Watch TV and become good-looking and rich

It's late, or early, depending on your viewpoint. I feel lousy. I'm coughing like crazy and can't sleep. But why would I want to sleep? It's only 3 a.m.

Hence, I found myself channel-surfing at this ungodly hour of the morning. As I clicked through the channels, I discovered there are only three kinds of programming at this hour.

First, there's the news and weather. Second, there are reruns of 20 year-old sitcoms or 40 year-old movies. In the third category are programs that show you how to lose weight, get rich, grow hair, develop an absolutely fabulous body in only 15 minutes a day, have the sex drive (and equipment) of a 25-year-old, and live forever! Wow, what have I been missing?

Man, I need a new plan. First, I'd have to improve my body. We have the Ab Swing, the flexible bow, the Thighmaster, “Buns and Thighs of Steel” and body sculpting. Look out, Arnold, I'm going to pump it up!

Need to lose weight? May I recommend any of these fine solutions? There's the all-herbal diet, the fiber-thin diet, the liquid diet, the patch and the eat-anything-you-want diet. One of these plans showed the person drinking something resembling molten plastic. The actor claimed the stuff expanded in your stomach so you'd feel full. Yeah, but what happens when this ball of goop needs to leave the stomach?

Need a bit more hair on top? No problem! There are two different solutions and both rely on pills. One plan blames your follicle-challenged head on excessive testosterone, and the other on your grandmother. Pop a pill, grow hair. What could be easier?

Some male readers may be interested in, shall we say, a little male enhancement. Don't worry, the show “Sex-Talk” claims that two pills a day will result in a 25-percent increase in… well, you get the idea.

For the females in the audience, a similar solution for the upper body comes in the form of a cream. Apply twice daily and you too can enjoy a larger presence.

Then I discovered I can live almost forever. First, a few pills for the prostate, improve the liver function with a once-per-day drink, then add some herb-based vitamins, an anti-gravity bed and finally, the live-forever HGH pills. By then I'll be taking 100 pills a day, but what the heck, I'll soon be able to afford it.

Now I want to become rich. There are two basic get-rich schemes (I mean, legitimate ways) to make money: real estate and direct marketing.

The no-money-down, get-money-at-closing, seller-financed real estate thing looked good and it must work. After all, all the pitchmen either live in Hawaii or have huge homes complete with Olympic-size pools.

The second way to become a millionaire is through direct marketing. I kind of liked the one called “Stuff Your Mailbox with Cash.” The guy said their plan simply required me to place a few newspaper ads around the county. Soon, my mailbox would be filled with checks and cash. Whoa baby, this is for me.

I can hardly wait until broadcasters get multichannel going. With all those channels to fill, maybe these informative, factual and trustworthy programs will be on in prime time. Then I won't have to stay up late to learn how to live longer and become rich.